Observations of a Damaged Mind

Friday, October 15, 2004

Just another lifeless Friday.

Just another lifeless Friday. Why is it that my moods so directly reflect the weather? Overcast and cold, brain is clouded negative thoughts. Self doubt takes a fore front. Do I make sense? Does anyone care? I want to scream, something grips my vocal cords. Should I continue on my path? Or reinvent myself again? I think I'm happy but I can feel the void inside me. What is supposed to fill it? Is it something everyone feels? A result of living in this day and age? I just want people to listen. I want people to change. I want life to change. I hate routine. i need to numb my senses to suvive daily life. I'm no better than anyone else. I stare at my keyboard, a beer and a batter.

Sometimes when I sit quietly and attempt to clear my mind, I hear the screams of all those in pain and worse off than I am. I try to think happy thoughts. I should be so grateful. Then I think it's really me screaming. Soul is damaged and dying from this existance, from the wounds that have never healed.

Does anyone out there talk to their shadow? Shadows reveal no flaws. Does anyone enjoy seeing their reflection without wearing glasses? I think people with bad eyes were meant to not see life in focus. When life is out of focus it's much harder to worry about the details. Less worry, more happy.

I want to share my life, all of it, with one person. Someone who knows me better than myself. Someone who can handle the depths and the darkness and wants to reignite the flame deep inside. Someone to lie with, for hours and hours, breathing in unison, warming, melting the the snow around my heart. Teaching me to feel again.

As many layers as exist in my being, I still can be rather shallow. I just want to be liked. I want to feel good about how I look. I want to be thought attractive by a girl. I want to embrace who I really am. I want to be crazy as fuck. I want to not care about what people think of me. I want to let loose. What's holding me back? I am. Does that make sense? ANYONE OUT THERE? ANYONE STILL LISTENING?

I HAVE HOPE.

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